Several ways to die trying
by Jessica12
Summary: She wished in that moment that she could reach inside of herself and remove that piece of herself that still wanted him, loved him...(Kate /Gibbs)
1. Chapter 1

Title: **Several ways to die trying**

Author: Jessica

Email: jessicarothen

Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where

Spoilers: None

Rating: PG

Feedback: YES please...

Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Summary: _Her whole body felt like it was coming apart at the seams as she stood there looking into the eyes of the man she had given away her heart to. She wanted to beg him. Beg him to love her. To pick her..._

AUTHORS NOTE: Title is a song by Dashboard confessional.  
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar mistakes may occur.

* * *

 _"I know I can't be with you,_

 _I do what I have to do_

 _and I have sense to recognize_

 _but I don't know how to let you go_ "

* * *

Kate stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

She tried not to look scared as she stood there but her eyes always gave her away.

It was her weakness and her curse. She always felt too much.

She gave her heart too easily to people who didn't give theirs in return.

As she stood there she wished that she could remove that part of herself that still felt something.

He sat by the kitchen table with a glas of whiskey infront of him.

Her hands was trembling a little as she took one step into the room and said:

"Aren't you going to say something?"

He didn't look up to acknowledge her prescence. It stung more than she was willing to admit.

"What do you want me to say?"

His voice was cold as he spoke. She took a step towards him and said:

"Anything."

Her voice gave away the desperation she felt and she felt ashamed of that fact.

He finished the last of the whiskey and poured himself another.

"I don't know what you want me to do."

His words hurt more than anything.

"Please, look at me."

She was begging now.

How pathetic.

She had vowed once that she would never put herself in that kind of position that she had to begg a man for anything.

"Kate."

"Just look at me."

He finally turned towards her.

His eyes were dark as they met hers.

She searched his eyes for something to latch on to but she found nothing.

"Are you just going to sit there?"

"Don't do this, Kate."

He ran a hand through his hair and rose from the chair.

Anger burned in her then.

"Do what exactly?"

"We agreed, remember?"

She wanted to strike him.

She wanted him to hurt as much as she did.

"You decided. You did! I didn't agree to anything."

"Kate, you know as much as I do that this, you and me, would not last."

"Just fucking say it okay. You think it was a mistake."

Their eyes met and in that moment she saw the truth in his eyes.

Something inside of her came apart in that moment.

He reached out his hand and said:

"Kate..."

She backed away.

"Don't touch me."

"Kate, please talk to me."

She wanted so despratley to hate him but she couldn't even do that.

"There is nothing to talk about..."

"Don't do that."

"What? Isn't this exactly what you wanted?"

She wanted to reach inside of herself and remove that part of her that still wanted him.

His eyes darkned as he moved closer to her.

"I never wanted this. Not like this."

"I don't care what you want."

She felt so weak as she stood there in the middle of the kitchen looking at the man she had lost such a big part of herself to.

She felt so ashamed.

She took one step away from him.

"I never set out to hurt you."

Anger ran hot in her veins then.

She struck him.

Her hand connecting with his cheek echoed in the room.

She almost spat out the words:

"Don't you fucking say that!"

Her eyes burned as their eyes met.

He had never made any promises.

He had never lied.

The fault was hers and hers alone.

She had closed her eyes for the signs and let herself believe that there was something more between the two of them.

How foolish she had been.

She saw that now.

The pain of the truth wrapped itself around the remaining pieces of her heart as she moved away from him.

His hand reached out for her but she avoided it.

If he touched her now she knew she would crumble.

"Kate.."

His voice was hoarse and his eyes was dark as they met hers.

She wished in that moment that she could reach inside of herself and remove that piece of herself that still wanted him, loved him.

Her voice trembled as she spoke:

"Don't...Just don't.."

She wouldn't fight anymore.

There was nothing she could say or do.

They both knew it.

All words had been spoken.

He wasn't willing to give her the one thing she wanted.

The one thing that she needed.

Maybe if she had been a stronger person she would have been able to ignore that part.

But she wasn't.

Her bags was packed and stood by the front door.

But still she lingered there.

Searching his eyes for something to latch on to.

But he refused to give her anything.

Tears blurred her vision then.

His hand was warm against her cheek as he reached out and brushed away a tear that had escaped.

Her whole body felt like it was coming apart at the seams as she stood there looking into the eyes of the man she had given away her heart to.

She wanted to beg him.

Beg him to love her.

To pick her.

She didn't care anymore of all the things that had happened before.

Of all the worries and all the pain.

All she knew was that she wanted him.

She need him.

"I can't, Kate...I just..can't.."

His words shattered the remaining pieces of her heart.

She closed her eyes in a weak attempt to try to protect herself from the pain but it engulfed her world.

She was crying now.

It was no point anymore to try to be brave and strong.

He had broken her.

They both knew it.

She, who prided herself of never losing control of her own heart, had lost everything.

She moved away from him.

He let her go.

The feel of his touch still burned on her skin.

She looked at him:

"Well, I will not regret this...I love you, Gibbs."

Her words seemed soar and hover around the room.

His eyes flashed in that moment.

But he didn't falter.

She didn't expect him to.

She moved towards the door and picked up her bags.

She knew he wouldn't stop her.

He wasn't that kind of man.

She looked back at him and their eyes met.

She already missed him.

The way his hands had the power to sooth her.

The way his arms around her brought a sense of peace to her soul.

The way his body felt against hers.

The way it felt as he was inside of her bringing her to the brink and beyond.

The feeling of beeing a complete and whole person when he was with her.

She had lost all of that and so much more.

And there was nothing she could do to get it back.

She had lost.

All she could do now was to surrender.

A weak smile escaped from her lips as she said the words she had feared more than anything:

"Goodbye."

Then she walked away from him.

There was a kind of sadness in his ways long after she had left.

In the way he moved and in the way he talked.

He never once spoke her name.

Whenever her name happened to come up in discussions his eyes darkened in a way that warned the people around him to drop the subject.

He never spoke about what had happened between the two of them.

They were the talk of the office for weeks afterwards.

Her empty desk that sat besides his was enough for everyone to assume the worst.

People called him every kind of name they could think of when they spoke about him when he wasn't there.

They judged his silence and distance as indifferance and they despised him for it.

She had been loved after all.

She had been one of them and he had driven her away.

Leroy Gibbs was lost.

He would not admitt that to one living soul of course.

But on weak moments he would recognize the feeling that he had lost a big part of himself.

He had never been a man that dwelled over the past but the feeling was something he couldn't shake.

It kept nagging at his centre core, slowly tilting his world on its axis.

He told himself that the choice was hers and hers alone.

He was not to blame.

The lie tasted bitter in his mouth.

But it was a lie that he clung to.

It kept him sane as days turned into weeks and weeks gave away to months.

Eventually he found his balance again.

He even managed to smile.

But it never reached his eyes.

* * *

End 1/?


	2. A moment changes everything

Chapter 2: **A moment changes everything**

* * *

 _"There's nothing I'd like_

 _better than to fall_

 _but I fear I have nothing to give"_

* * *

 **Six months earlier**

* * *

She was sitting by a table in the back of the bar nursing a beer and looking tired.

He didn't want to be there.

He hated places like this.

The bar was small and packed with people who were looking for that last drink before closing.

Gibbs had never been good in these kinds of situations.

He wasn't that kind of person.

He was all sharp edges.

She needed someone else.

Someone better.

Someone who knew what to say to make her feel better.

He wasn't that person.

But still he was there, moving through the crowd of people towards her.

He didn't know what to say.

She had heard them all before.

She had probably used them herself many times.

Those lines that you say to show you care, that you understand.

Those words that seems so shallow and pointless.

Like words can make any difference at all.

She doesn't look up as he approaches.

Her voice is hoarse as she speaks:

"Just leave me alone, okay."

"Kate."

She looks up as he speaks her name.

Her eyes are red from crying.

He wants to turn around and leave right then and there.

She doesn't want him there.

They are not friends.

He is her boss.

Her face reddens as their eyes meet.

She feels embarrassed to be caught crying.

She s an Agent after all.

A professional.

A strong woman.

She wipes at her eyes with the back of hand and straightens up in her chair.

"Gibbs."

"May I sit down?"

Her eyes flashes with worry in that moment and she hesitates for a moment before she says yes.

He pulls out the chair opposite her and sits down.

Their eyes meet.

He points at the beer in front of her and says:

"Do you want another?"

She manages to smile as she says:

"No, I'm good."

"Okay."

He wants to touch her.

To calm her.

To make her feel safe.

But he keeps his hands to himself.

Her eyes are dark as she speaks:

"Why are you here?"

He wishes he knew the answer to that.

He could say that it was his job as her friend to make sure that she was okay.

But they are not friends.

He should not be there.

In a bar in the middle of nowhere with a woman he works with.

Who he is responsible for.

Who was hurting.

"It wasn't your fault. You know that."

His words came out sounding harsh.

She stiffens and her eyes flashes as she says:

"I know that."

A lie.

Her tears give that away.

"He was a bad man."

"I know that."

"He had a gun."

"I know that."

"You did nothing wrong."

"I know!"

Her eyes are huge as she leans towards him and continues:

"I know, I know, I know! Did you come here just to tell me things I already know!?"

"Kate."

He reaches out and places his hand over hers.

It was meant to calm her, reassure her.

She looks down to the point on the table where their hands connect.

She doesn't move.

"I have never actually..."

Her words are barely a whisper.

He wishes he knew the right words to say in that moment.

To remove that part of her that is aching.

But he had said them all.

Those words that he had heard so many times before.

Those words he had told himself, to reassure himself.

To keep himself sane.

She looks up and their eyes meet.

Her eyes seem to occupy her whole face.

"I know, Kate."

"I thought I could take it. That it would be okay. I thought..I don't know.."

Her voice fades to black.

"I wish I could say it will get easier but. The work we do..."

"I know, Gibbs. I just need. I don't know. Time, I guess."

He nods.

"Time. Take a couple of days off."

She smiles then.

It warms his heart.

But he ignores it.

As he always does when it comes to her.

"Thank you."

His hand is still covering hers.

Her face reddens as she notices and she pulls away her hand.

She brushes a lose strand of hair behind her ear and looks at him:

"It's time for me to go home."

"Okay. Do you want me to take you home?"

His words surprise her.

He can see that.

He shouldn't have said that.

Not to her.

Not now.

Her eyes softens then as she says:

"No, I'm fine. I'll get a cab."

She rises and puts on her coat.

He feels so out of place as he rises and follows her out of the bar.

He should go.

He came there to reassure her, to make sure.

It was time to leave.

But still he lingers.

Standing besides her looking up at the dark windows of the building across the street.

"I never thought you would come."

Her words sting more than she knows.

He looks at her and their eyes meet.

"Well..."

She smiles that smile that has the capacity to do real damage to that wall he has built and maintained during the years.

She moves closer to him.

He should move away.

It's better that way.

But he doesn't.

They stay there, side by side, as the city moves around them.

His heart almost skips a beat as she slips her hand into his.

Her skin is warm against his.

She leans closer to him.

She smells of honey and the night air.

He should move.

He doesn't belong anywhere near her.

She is everything and he's nothing.

She is light and he is darkness.

But he doesn't move.

He just turns to look at her.

Her eyes are dark and for a moment he wishes that he knew what she is thinking.

She smiles that smile of hers and whispers:

"Thank you for this."

Then she leans in and places a soft kiss on his cheek.

He almost stumbles then.

Almost.

His heart seems to in that moment race and swell; occupying his whole chest.

Then she lets go of his hand and takes a step away from him.

He finds himself missing her touch.

Her cab arrives in that moment.

He wants to say something but his words fail him.

She moves towards the cab, opens the door and looks back at him:

"Goodbye, Gibbs."

He doesn't say anything.

He just stands there.

With his skin burning from her touch.

A small smile manages to escape him.

Their eyes meet one last time as she closes the door and the cab starts to move away from the curb.

He stands there, watching her go.

With his heart screaming in his chest.

He stands there until her cab is nowhere to be seen.

Then he walks back to his car to go back to the empty house he calls his home.

End Part 2/?


	3. How come your arms are not around me?

Chapter 3: **How come your arms are not around me?**

" _and I don't understand_

 _by the touch of your hand_

 _I would be the one to fall"_

* * *

There is something about him.

Maybe it's the sadness in his eyes that he hides so well.

But sometimes, when he is not careful, it slips out and his eyes whispers of pain and sorrow.

Or maybe it's the way he manages to change the atmosphere in a room just by entering it.

Or maybe it's the way he hides himself away from the world.

Hiding all those parts that might make him seem vulnerable.

She doesn't know.

But there's something there.

She has found herself wondering about him in ways she never did before.

Maybe it started when he came to her in the bar.

Maybe it has always been there.

She doesn't know.

The truth is she is scared to find out.

She does not admit this, of course.

So she chalks it up to professional curiosity.

Nothing else.

He is her boss after all.

And you're allowed to wonder about your boss.

She had never meant to touch him that night.

She knew that she crossed some kind of line.

But it felt right.

When she saw him again she was scared that he would say something.

But he didn't.

He acted like nothing had happened.

And nothing had.

She keeps reminding herself of that.

She had been upset.

He had comfort her.

He had been there for her.

But still when he had touched her she had felt something.

Maybe it was silly.

She had never been that kind of person that read too much into situations.

She was a detective after all.

But still she couldn't ignore that feeling, deep inside of her, when he touched her that night.

The feel of his hand against hers.

The sense of peace it brought her.

Later when they were standing so close, she wanted to be closer to him.

She had wanted to touch him.

To feel that peace once again.

So she had slipped her hand into his.

But as she touched him again, something else ignited inside of her.

A fire.

It shot through her like a wave and she almost recoiled in that moment.

But she just stood there holding his hand and let the fire engulf her.

Now, a week later, the feeling of his hand in hers is still branded upon her skin.

The sensation is powerful.

Nothing she has ever experienced before.

So she does what she does best: she ignores it.

She denies it.

He comes and goes.

They talk about cases.

But she finds herself searching his eyes for something, anything to make herself believe that what she felt when they touched was real.

But she finds nothing.

She feels silly then.

Ashamed, even.

So she analyses the situation and comes up with a reasonable conclusion: it was a moment of weakness.

Nothing else.

And it would not happen again.

But as she goes on a date with a handsome lawyer one week later she finds herself searching for that fire she had felt when she touched Gibbs.

As this man, this perfect man, kisses her that night, she feels nothing.

The need to calm her screaming head and heart wins the battle that night so she takes this man to her bed and as he enters her she prays for his touch to ignite something inside of her.

But she finds nothing.

As she wakes alone the morning after she feels ashamed.

Her sheets is stained with a strange mans scent.

She strips the bed and washes her body to remove his scent from her.

When she enters the elevator that morning at work Gibbs is standing there.

She finds her heart beating faster as he says:

"Good morning."

She smiles at him and says:

"Good morning."

The doors of the elevator closes.

They stand there as the elevator begin its climb upwards.

She finds herself wanting to bridge the gap between them.

She wants to touch him.

The need is strong in her.

It scares her.

His blue eyes meet hers and he says:

"I'm glad you're feeling better."

"I am. Thank you."

They stand there, looking into each other's eyes.

Each of them searching for something they fear naming.

The sound of the elevator reaching its destination breaks their connection.

He smiles a small smile as he walks out of the elevator.

In that moment she knows the truth.

It screams in her ears so loud.

The truth that she is slowly but surely losing a big part of herself to this enigma of a man.

She should be scared.

The best would be to ignore it.

But she doesn't.

And she knows as she follows him out of the elevator that she is falling and falling hard.

* * *

End 3/?


	4. Something I can never have

Chapter 4: **Something I can never have**

" _I should go_

 _Before my will gets any weaker_

 _And my eyes begin to linger_

 _Longer than they should"_

* * *

He tried to ignore her afterwards.

He really tried.

He was good at that.

He was a master of shutting out the world.

So she would not be a problem.

At least that was what he told himself.

But she kept nagging at him, at his sense of peace, just by being near him every day.

They didn't talk about that night in the bar.

In a way they were similar: they ignored it.

But he found himself searching her eyes for something, anything different when they spoke to each other afterwards.

He feared naming that thing.

So he chalked it up to something else: attraction.

He was attracted to her.

Nothing else.

And attraction he could deal with.

He knew how to get that out of his system.

So when an old flame from years ago called him one week later he took her out and then to his bed.

It was cruel.

He knew that.

But he needed to remove every trace of another.

And he was feeling desperate.

So he when he entered her that night he prayed for a peace that his soul longed for.

But when he reached climax it was another women's name that escaped from his lips.

He tried to ignore it.

They both did.

But when he woke, alone, the next morning, the truth was screaming in his ears.

So he did what he was a master of.

He shut it out.

He ignored it.

Denied it ever existed.

So he went about his day like it never had happened.

Like he hadn't spoken her name.

But he knew he was lying to himself.

She had affected him.

She had managed to work her way inside, somehow.

Maybe it happened that night, in that bar.

Maybe it happened long before.

He didn't know.

He didn't care.

It was a matter of survival after all.

So he lied.

He lied to himself for days, for weeks.

He shut her out.

But his eyes kept drifting towards her and when she was standing close to him it felt like every cell in his whole body was screaming out to touch her.

Her presence at the office was slowly but surely making his world tilt on its axis.

So when he heard about her date two weeks after their encounter at the bar he felt relieved.

Glad even.

At least that was what he told himself.

They didn't belong together.

What he had felt was nothing.

Just a temporarily thing.

It had just been a single, fleeting moment.

Nothing else.

But still, he found himself that night, working on his boat, thinking about her.

About the feel of her hand in his.

About the way she smiled.

About her scent that still seemed to linger around him.

He took a drink to erase it.

Then another.

He wasn't much of a drinker.

But now he needed it.

To remove every trace of that feeling inside of him that still screamed out for her.

By the morning he was so sure that he had won.

But when she entered the elevator that morning and smiled that smile that always seemed to wreak havoc on his heart, he knew that he had lost.

Her skin seemed to glow in that special way that whispered of a night spend in the arms of a lover and her eyes sparked when their eyes met.

He knew then.

He pictured her with him.

That nameless, faceless man that had put the spark in her eyes and the glow to her skin.

And he tried so hard to be happy for her.

But all he could feel as he stood there beside her, as the elevator began its climb upwards was the way his heart hurt.

It actually hurt.

But he pushed it down, far down.

As he always did when it came to things like that.

Their eyes met.

He searched her eyes for something, anything but found nothing.

So he did what was expected of him.

"I'm glad you're feeling better."

Her eyes shone in that moment.

And he knew that he couldn't let her go no matter how hard he tried.

They stood for a long moment like that.

Searching for something.

A sign.

But they were both scared of feeling, of words left unsaid.

So they remained silent until the elevator reached its destination.

He smiled at her.

Wanting to reassure her in some way that he was happy for her.

Even though his heart was breaking.

But he knew as he walked away from her that he would be okay.

He was a master after all.

A master of shutting his eyes to one simple truth: that he had fallen and fallen hard.


	5. How to lie to yourself

Chapter 5: **How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else**

" _It hurts to be here_

 _I only wanted love from you_

 _It hurts to be here_

 _What am I gonna do?"_

* * *

The lawyer's name is Matthew.

Matthew is a nice man.

He makes her smile.

He is smart and he is kind.

When he calls her up and asks for another date she says yes.

He is perfect.

Still she feels nothing for him.

But she tries.

He is after all the kind of person she is supposed to want.

So she throws herself into their relationship.

She wants to drown herself in this man.

To erase the face of another.

Who haunts her dreams and invades her thoughts.

It's a battle to keep herself sane, to keep herself steady.

Weeks give away to months and she keeps Matthew in her life.

Every time he touches her she prays for that fire she felt from another man's touch.

She prays for that peace she felt in that moment standing beside him in the middle of the night outside that bar.

But she finds nothing.

So she ignores all that is missing between her and Matthew.

She convinces herself that she does not need it.

He is a good man, after all.

And she cares for him in her way.

When those three words slips of his tongue two months into their relationship she replies:

"I love you too."

She feels ashamed afterwards.

Such a liar.

But she convinces herself as she looks into his eyes that in a way her words are the truth.

Because she cares for this man.

And eventually, it will become something else.

So it's not lying.

Not really.

November gives away to December and she sees less and less of Gibbs.

They pass each other in the halls of the office sometimes and they exchange words relating to work.

But it's just a few moments.

He keeps spending more and more time outside of the office.

She doesn't ask why.

He has never been a person who shares.

But still she misses him.

It seeps into her veins, into her soul and invades her sense of peace.

She has no right to care for this man.

Not like that.

They are just working together.

He is her boss.

But she wonders about him.

She worries.

She longs.

Her heart is racing as she walks into the office for the annual Christmas party.

She doesn't know why.

So she ignores it.

Matthew is by her side.

He smiles down at her and she smiles back.

It's been almost three months now since he came into her life.

She is content.

She has everything.

She doesn't need anything else.

It's what she tells herself.

Hoping it will convince that part of her that still longs for another.

Gibbs is standing on the other side of the room.

That man who has managed to seep into every part of her.

Their eyes meet across the room.

Just for a second.

And she feels something tuck at her heart.

She looks away.

Matthew escorts her towards the bar and she grabs a drink to steady her nerves.

A band is playing a slow song.

She wants to leave.

Matthew wants to dance.

So she gives in and he leads her out on to the makeshift dance floor.

She tries to focus on this man, who loves her.

This perfect man who she loves, who she should love.

But her whole being is screaming in that moment for another.

Gibbs appears suddenly beside them.

He is dressed in a dark suit and a white shirt.

His eyes are dark as they meet hers.

"May I cut in?"

She looks up at Matthew and she wants him so badly to say no.

But he just nods at Gibbs and moves away.

She stands there looking at Gibbs.

For the first time in a long time she is scared.

So scared.

His blue eyes sparks as he speaks:

"Shall we?"

All she can do is nod.

He slips his hand into hers and he places the other on the small of her back and moves her closer to him.

She is so sure he can hear her heart beating so fast.

He smells of sandalwood and soap.

His hands are warm against her skin.

They stay like that.

Swaying to the music.

She closes her eyes for a moment and lets herself feel everything.

His voice is hoarse as he whispers:

"You look beautiful tonight, Kate."

It isn't fair.

He isn't playing nice.

She looks at him and she wants to say something.

Anything.

But she is scared.

So scared.

Scared of the power he has over her.

Of the feelings he can evoke in her just by touching her.

So she keeps quiet.

The music fades to black.

And he lets go of her.

But he doesn't move away.

He just stands there looking at her.

Matthew moves in and she manages to smile at him as he asks her if she wants another drink.

She nods a yes.

Her eyes drift to Gibbs.

He doesn't speak.

He just stands there looking at her with those eyes.

She almost wants to slap him then.

For making her feel like that.

For making her question everything.

She turns around and walks away from him.

She takes the drink Matthew offers and says she needs some air.

He lets her go.

She slips out on to the balcony.

The sky is dark above.

The air smells of the coming snow.

She stands there looking out across the city and for the first time in a long time she prays to a higher power.

She prays for strength.

To remove that part of her that longs for this man.

This man who gives nothing away but manages to ignite a fire inside of her.

Who has the power to crush her.

She prays for peace.

She longs for it.

She needs it.

But as she stands there she finds nothing.

Only silence.


	6. Never let me go

Chapter 6: **Never let me go**

" _Peace in the struggle_

 _to find peace_

 _comfort on the way_

 _to comfort_

 _and if I shed a tear I won't cage it_

 _I won't fear love"_

* * *

It was never his intention to come.

He wasn't the kind of person who enjoyed parties.

He hated crowds.

He hated small talk.

The truth was that he came for her.

He tried to convince himself that it had nothing to do with her.

But he knew.

He knew the moment he saw her stepping out of the elevator.

He had missed her.

For months he had tried to avoid her.

He had worked hard at trying to erase every part of him that wanted her.

He thought time would make it better.

It wasn't like he could avoid her forever.

So when he dressed for the party he told himself that it was over.

That the thing he had felt was gone now.

But as his eyes met hers across the room that night he knew that it was all a lie.

His heart was beating so fast and his mouth was dry.

Every part of him screamed for her.

He couldn't take his eyes off her.

He felt so weak as he stood there watching her move towards the bar.

The lawyer was beside her.

Jealousy burned hot inside of him watching them together.

He had tried to ignore it.

But he was man enough to admit that he was jealous.

It was a crazy notion.

He had no right to feel like that.

They were nothing to each other.

But still it burned in him.

He should go.

He knew that.

He had seen her.

It was time to leave.

But still he lingered.

They moved into the dance floor and she smiled at the lawyer.

He tried to look away.

He shouldn't be there.

She had gotten what she had wanted.

This man was perfect for her.

He wasn't broken and haunted by the past.

He wouldn't hurt her.

He knew all the right words.

He would make her happy.

That was what Gibbs tried to convince himself as he stood there as he watched Kate move across the dance floor with another man.

So it was time to leave.

But instead he found himself moving towards them.

She looked up and their eyes met.

Her eyes were huge as he asked for permission to cut in.

A part of him wanted the other man to object.

He feared the feeling she could evoke in him when she touched him.

He feared being close to her.

There was too much in stake.

His sanity.

His heart.

But still he asked and permission was given.

He wanted her to object.

To push him away.

To tell him to go and leave her alone.

To tell him that the things he saw in her was all just his own imagination.

But she didn't.

So he slipped his hand into hers and moved her closer to him.

He wanted to drown in her.

Bury himself in the sensation of holding her.

He took a deep breath and let her invade all his senses.

The words slipped out of him:

"You look beautiful, Kate."

He shouldn't have said that.

She looked at him and he knew that if he she asked he would give away the last remaining piece of his heart to her.

She didn't speak.

The music came to an end and he let her go.

But he didn't move away.

He couldn't.

She didn't move.

She just stood there looking at him with those eyes that whispered of a future he longed for.

But that he feared.

He stood there searching for words to say to her.

But he had never been good with words.

And they failed him now.

Her eyes darkened.

The lawyer moved in and said something to her that Gibbs didn't catch.

Her eyes flashed in that moment as they met his.

Then she moved away from him.

He let her go.

He should go.

Leave.

He had lost so much tonight.

But still he stood there watching her go.

She slips out on to the balcony.

He should leave her alone.

He had no right to invade her space.

A better man would leave her be.

But he is not a good man.

He has never been a good man.

So he opens the door to the balcony and walks out.

She is standing with her back towards him.

She doesn't move as he approaches.

"Kate."

"Please, just leave me alone."

He should listen.

He really should.

But he can't.

Not anymore.

Maybe if he had been stronger.

But he was a weak man.

Weak for wanting her.

For wanting another a life than fate had brought him.

So he speaks the truth.

For once in his life he doesn't lie as he says:

"I can't."

Her eyes are huge as she turns towards him.

She stands there looking at him, searching his eyes as she says:

"What do you want from me?"

He wishes he knew to answer that.

He wishes he knew how to explain.

"I just…"

How pathetic.

Her eyes flashes in that moment.

He can see disappointment there.

And he feels sick.

"You can't just do this to me."

And then he knows.

He can see it in her eyes.

The truth hits him in the chest.

She feels it too.

"Kate…"

He should speak.

Say something.

Anything.

But his words fail him.

She stands there looking at him with those eyes.

Pleading with him to tell the truth.

That she isn't alone in this.

But he can't.

He just can't.

There is too much at risk.

His silence is his judgment

It hurts her.

He can see it happening.

It cuts deep.

And he hates himself then.

"Never mind."

She starts to move away from him.

He should let her go.

To let her slip away and ignore that thing that exists between the two of them.

Tomorrow, all of this will be forgotten.

He could blame it on too much drinking.

He would forget her.

Eventually.

And she would move on.

She would forget whatever she might have felt for him.

She had the lawyer after all.

He could make her happy.

He could give her all the things he never could.

It would be so simple.

To let her go.

To push that feeling away, bury it until he couldn't remember that even had existed.

It was the easiest way.

She could go back to her life.

And he to his.

They didn't match.

She was young and beautiful.

A warm spirit.

He was cold and all hard edges.

He hurt people.

He crushed him.

So the right thing would be to let her go.

She moves past him towards the door.

He finds himself reaching out and grabbing her hand.

She stops and looks at him.

"Let me go, Gibbs."

He is standing on the edge.

He knows this.

He should take a step back.

He has been here so many times before.

And it has all ended badly.

What would make this time different?

He searches her eyes for something to latch on to.

Something to reassure him that in the end it would be okay.

But he knows he will find nothing.

He should let go.

Just let go.

But he can't.

Not again.

Not anymore.

He pulls her towards him and he frames her face between his hands.

She doesn't move away.

She just stands there.

Looking at him with heaven in her eyes.

He whispers:

"I can't."

And then he kisses her.


	7. What are you willing to lose?

Chapter 7: **What are you willing to lose**

" _there's nothing I'd like_

 _better than to fall_

 _but I fear_

 _I have nothing to give_

 _I have so much to lose_

 _I have nothing to give_

 _We have so much to lose..."_

* * *

He brought fire to her once again.

His lips invaded her, tempting her to open up to him.

So she did.

His tongue found its way inside and brought with it a wave of emotions.

She burned.

She melted.

She leaned closer, not able to get close enough.

She had never experienced anything like this.

A fire that shot through her like a wave.

She should move away from him.

Stop this.

He would be the end of her.

She knew that.

Still she reached for more.

She wanted the fire to consume her.

He broke away first.

His eyes were dark as they met hers.

He just stood there looking at her.

"Kate?"

Matthew was standing in the doorway.

She turned towards him.

She felt so ashamed as she stood there.

So weak.

His eyes were dark as their met hers.

She saw pain there.

It flickered like a light.

She felt sick.

He didn't deserve this.

Her voice was barely a whisper as she said:

"Matthew."

"Are you ready to go?"

He just stood there, in the doorway, looking at her with those eyes.

He loved her.

He had been there for her.

He was the man who had shared her bed.

Who she had let into her life.

He was perfect for her.

Her lips bore the taste of another.

And her heart screamed for another.

She looked back at Gibbs.

He hadn't moved.

He just stood there.

With those blue eyes piercing into her.

She wanted him to say something.

Anything.

Make her stay.

But he remained there.

Silent.

She wanted to beg him then.

To reassure her that the thing between them was real.

That she could trust her heart.

But she wasn't the kind of person who would beg.

So she stood there between two very different men.

Wishing for a sign for the right path to take.

But things are never easy.

The truth was that she was scared.

Fear seeped into her heart and into her veins as she looked at Gibbs.

Fear that if she took that path towards him it would eventually consume her.

He had the power to really hurt her.

She knew that.

She felt it.

She would drown in this man.

And lose everything.

It scared her more than anything else.

So it was fear that made her take that step towards Matthew.

One single step, marking her decision.

She saw something happened then, in the eyes of the man she had just kissed.

It was just a spark.

Then it was gone.

But she had caught it.

Pain.

For a single second, his eyes whispered the truth.

She almost faltered.

She almost turned back.

But she couldn't.

The risk was too much for her to take.

She wasn't brave.

Not like that.

So she moved towards Matthew and said:

"Let's go home."

Then she walked away.

Leaving the man who possessed such a big part of her heart behind.


	8. The trick is to keep breathing

Chapter 8: **The trick is to keep breathing**

* * *

He stood there a long time afterwards.

He couldn't blame her for leaving.

It wasn't like he had given her any promises.

There were no bond between them.

Just a fire.

That had the ability to consume them both.

He knew this.

He felt it.

She wanted promises.

He could see it in her eyes.

The need to have something to hold on to.

He couldn't give her that.

Not that.

He wasn't brave like that.

He had been down that road before.

He had lost such a big part of himself.

He guarded the last remaining piece of his heart and he couldn't give her that.

The risk was too much.

It was a matter of survival after all.

She needed it.

So he understood.

Still it hurt.

But he did what he had to do; he buried it.

He buried it so deep inside of himself that he could deny that it ever existed.

That he could deny the fact that she had the power to really cause him any pain.

He moved towards the door and entered the party.

He moved through the crowd of people that had gathered, heading for the elevator.

Nobody notice him leaving.

And he had never felt so alone.

She entered his dreams that night.

He tried to reach her there but she managed to slip from his grasp.

He woke with her name on his lips.

This world he had built and carefully maintained during the years was slowly coming undone.

He could feel it happening.

And he didn't know to stop it.

She avoided him for days afterwards.

She refused to meet his eyes and she went out of her way to avoid speaking to him.

He tried to ignore it.

He tried to understand.

But still it stung.

So he did what he had to do to rectify the situation.

He lied.

He found her alone on their balcony one early morning two weeks later.

He could see something in her eyes as he approached her.

Fear.

It hurt him more than anything else.

She feared him.

Somehow he had caused her to feel like that.

And he hated himself in that moment.

"Kate. Can we talk?"

Her eyes darkened as she spoke:

"I need to get to back work."

She moved passed him.

She was running.

He stopped her by touching her hand.

"Kate, please."

She withdrew her hand from his touch and looked at him:

"Don't. "

"I need to explain."

Her voice was hard:

"There's nothing to say."

"Please."

She took a step away from him and looked at him.

But she didn't move.

She didn't run.

"I shouldn't have…"

His words failed him.

"Don't worry about it."

She started to move away.

He took her hand and forced her to look at him.

Her skin was warm against his.

"If I could take it back…I just want things to go back to what it was before. "

Her eyes sparked then.

Pain.

He saw it.

Then it was gone and replaced with something he couldn't read.

Such lies.

When it came down to it: he was a good liar.

But it was necessary now.

For the both of them.

They were not good for each other.

He would only break her heart.

And she would wreak havoc on the remaining pieces of the thing inside of him they called a heart.

So he was saving them both.

Their eyes met.

He could see something change in her in that moment as she said:

"Don't worry, Gibbs. It's forgotten. It was just a kiss. Nothing else."

He let go of her hand.

She moved towards the door.

He could stop her and tell her the truth.

The truth that he missed her.

He wanted her.

He needed her.

But he didn't.

He just let go.

And he told himself as he watched her walk back into the office that it was all for the best.

But a voice inside of his head whispered:

 _Liar._


	9. You can't always get what you want

Chapter 9: **You can't always get what you want**

* * *

Maybe things would have been different if she had been braver.

If she was that kind of person that trusted that little voice inside that whispered to take a chance.

But she wasn't that kind of person.

Not anymore.

Life had given her cuts that ran deep.

She wasn't willing to risk that kind of pain that come when you open yourself up to one person, only to be rejected.

She needed proof.

Something solid.

A part of her wanted the kind of love that was written about in books.

She wanted a love greater than life itself.

She wanted all of that.

But the other part, the sensible part, knew that it was all a lie.

So she settled for something else.

Something she didn't know how to label.

Matthew was solid.

He was someone she could trust.

That would be there.

That would never leave.

So she told herself that she loved him.

He was right for her.

That was that she convinced herself.

Matthew had been silent as he drove her home that night.

When his car came to a stop outside her apartment building he just sat there, staring into the darkness of the night.

She had hurt him.

She wanted to say something.

Explain.

How could she explain something that she didn't understand?

But she needed to say something.

To save the situation.

To bridge the gap that seemed to stretch out between them.

So she took his hand.

But he pulled away.

She tried to ignore the pain his reaction brought her.

"Please, Matthew."

"How long, Kate?"

"It's not like that."

"HOW LONG?"

He had never raised his voice to her.

Never.

So she pulled back.

He turned and looked at her.

She saw pain.

It was palpable.

"I was just a kiss. He had had too much to drink."  
Lies.

So many lies.

"No. It was more than that."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Nothing is going on."

The lie slipped so easily off her tongue.

She hardly even noticed.

His eyes burned into her then.

"Don't lie to me, Kate. I saw the way he was looking at you and the way you looked at him."

"I don't know…"

"Stop lying!"

He shifted in his seat and leaned towards her.

"I'm not."

"Do you have feelings for him?"

It wasn't lying if she didn't know.

If she was too scared to listen to that little voice inside that whispered the truth.

"It wasn't like that."

"Just tell me."

He wanted the truth.

He wanted her to put him out of his misery.

So she did what she had become a master of: she lied.

"No."

She could see her answer settle inside of him and brought him a release from the pain.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked at her:

"It was just a kiss. Nothing else has ever happened?"

"No."

She took his hand in hers.

He didn't pull away this time.

He looked at her and she saw something in his eyes that made her ache.

Desperation to believe that she loved him.

A need to believe that this was the truth.

He didn't deserve this.

He had done nothing wrong.

"Tell me that it will never happen again."

She leaned towards him and said:

"It will never happen again."

Then she kissed him. 

She tried to mend her relationship with Matthew after that night.

But she could still see doubt in his eyes when he was close to her.

It was just a spark in the back of his eyes and then it was gone.

Fear found its way inside and began nagging on her.

Fear that he was leaving.

So she did what she had to do to keep him by her side.

She tried to erase what had been by simply avoiding everything that reminded her of that.

That meant avoiding and ignoring Gibbs.

She worked hard at shutting him out.

She ignored the way her heart still ached when he was around her.

She shut her eyes for the fact that her whole being wanted to be near him.

The way her body seemed to vibrate and hum when he was close to her.

She buried that part of her that needed this man, wanted him, loved him.

After a week she told herself that she had forgotten the way his lips felt against hers.

The way his touch made her feel.

The way his body seemed to fit so perfectly against hers.

The way he had the power to make her feel complete.

She buried all of that and so much more.

She buried it so deep inside that she managed to convince herself that it had never been there at all.

The wall she had built and maintained around herself came crashing down one morning, two weeks later.

He found her standing on the balcony where they had shared that kiss.

Her first instinct was to flee from him.

His presence seemed to affect her more than she thought was possible.

He stood by the door at first, looking at her with those eyes that had the ability to bring her to her knees.

He wanted to talk.

She wanted to run.

The need to create distance from him was powerful but he managed to stop her with just one touch.

His touch was electric.

It shot through her like a fire.

It almost made her stumble.

He wanted to explain.

His eyes were begging her.

He had always had such power over her.

So she surrendered.

But she removed her hand from his and took a step back from him.

She feared if he touched her again all the things she so carefully built and maintained during the time since their last encounter would shatter into millions of tiny pieces.

His blue eyes were dark as they met hers.

"I shouldn't have…"

His words coiled around her heart and squeezed hard.

She saw regret in his eyes.

She felt like such a fool then.

To ever think that she could evoke any emotions in this man.

To ever think that the things she felt would ever be reciprocated.

The need to protect herself was powerful then.

"Don't worry about it…"  
She wanted to prove that his words didn't affect her.

She started to move away.

But he grabbed her hand and forced her to look at him.

She saw sorrow in his eyes as he spoke the words that would break the last remaining pieces of what remained of her heart:

"If I could take it back…I just want things to go back to what it was before."

Pain exploded in her chest then.

It shot through her and shattered the walls she had built around her heart.

She stood there looking at the man she had let herself fall for.

She wanted to hate him for the pain he caused her.

But she couldn't even do that.

How pathetic.

She saw the truth now.

How blind she had been.

How foolish.

How weak.

She felt so ashamed then.

It burned in her.

The need to save herself made her meet his eyes and say:

"Don't worry, Gibbs. It's forgotten. It was just a kiss. Nothing else."

He let go of her hand.

He didn't stop her as she moved away from him and started to walk away.

Her hand trembled as she opened the door to the office and entered.

She tried to steady herself as she walked the path to her desk as the remaining pieces of her shattered heart began to seep through the cracks in her armor.

But she took the pain willingly.

She deserved it after all.

She was so pathetic.

She had let him inside of her heart, to secret parts of herself.

He had crawled inside, invaded her.

In the end he had crushed her.

The fault was hers and hers alone.

She had been weak.

She saw that now.

It would never happen again.

Never again.


	10. Nothing left to say but goodbye

Chapter 10: Nothing left to say but goodbye

* * *

He liked being alone.

He had always been a loner.

He preferred it that way.

At least that was what he told himself.

He didn't need people around him to make his life better.

He had a good job.

A job that he was good at.

He had his house.

He had his boat.

And it wasn't that he was alone.

Not really.

He had friends.

Ducky, Abby, Tony and McGee.

People that would notice if he was gone.

So he wasn't alone.

Not really.

He didn't need her in his life.

He had been married several times.

And they had all left him in one way or another.

He had survived.

He was still standing.

But what he refused to admit was the fact that they had all taken a little piece of him with them when they left.

Chipping away at his heart and what was left now he couldn't give away.

She would not move him.

Not affect him.

He had done the right thing after all.

And he always did the right thing. 

She acted like nothing had happened.

She was a professional.

She worked cases with Tony and McGee.

He tried to stay as far away from her as possible.

He claimed that it was better that way.

And no one asked.

They were professional towards each other.

But he found himself searching her eyes for something when they spoke to each other.

He told himself that it was her forgiveness he searched for.

Forgiveness for being weak.

Forgiveness for letting things go too far.

But he found none.

She gave him nothing.

So he convinced himself that it was over.

That they had put everything behind them.

But still she haunted him.

Her face invaded his dreams.

He tried to touch her there, in the space between awake and asleep, but she slipped away from him.

Her scent still seemed to hover and soar in the air around him.

And on weak moments his body still seemed to remember the feel of her touch.

So he did what he had to do to erase her from his mind.

She had tilted his world on its axis and he needed to set things right again.

So he worked cases.

He was focused and determined to remove that thing that made him weak and vulnerable.

He would succeed. 

He heard the news one morning one month after their encounter on the balcony.

It was just a whisper at first.

Gossip.

And he refused to listen to gossip.

But then he saw the flowers on her desk.

Roses.

And he knew.

He felt it.

When she entered the office that morning he saw the ring.

Her whole eyes sparkled and shone.

It took all his strength to rise from his desk and join the others to congratulate her.

He saw something in her eyes as their eyes met.

Worry.

And he hated himself in that moment.

She was worried about how he would react.

She didn't deserve that.

So he tried to make her feel at ease by giving her one of his rare smiles.

"I'm happy for you, Kate."

She returned his smile and said:

"Thank you, Gibbs."

And then she turned towards Abby to let her examine her ring.

He turned and walked back towards his desk.

As the remaining piece of his heart cracked open inside of his chest. 

That night he went to a bar and he drowned himself in cheap whiskey.

He told himself that it had nothing to do with Kate.

Nothing at all.

He just needed a drink.

He needed to steady himself.

Find his center again.

He was such a liar. 

He wasn't drunk when he got home that night.

That was the lie he told himself.

He just wanted to feel numb.

It was better that way.

Afterwards he would blame the whiskey.

But the truth was that he knew that it would always end up the way it did, one way or another.

He dialed her number.

She answered almost immediately.

She sounded worried.

"Gibbs. What's wrong?"

He wanted to say something.

Needed to say something.

But his voice failed him.

Maybe he just wanted to hear her voice.

"Gibbs…Are you alright? Has something happened?"

"Kate."

"What's wrong?! Why are you calling?"

"I just…"

"Gibbs…"

He should go.

Let go.

For once in his life he should learn to let things go.

And not try to hold on to things that he couldn't have.

That was never his in the first place.

"Gibbs, are you hurt? Tell me are you hurt?"

She was worried about him.

He should say something.

But that would break their connection and her voice would fade away.

And he wasn't ready.

Not yet.

"Where are you, Gibbs? Tell me where you are?"

He was being cruel.

He knew that.

Playing with her feelings.

He was such a bastard.

But he needed this.

To be able to breathe again.

"Home. I'm home."

"That's it. I'm coming over."

The call ended.

He sat there in the darkness of his living room clutching a phone in one hand and a glass of whiskey in another.


	11. I'm going to stop pretending

Chapter 11: I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart

 _"And I have the sense to recognize that_  
 _I don't know how to let you go"_

* * *

She looked worried as he opened his door to let her in.

He hated himself for making her come.

For being weak.

She stood in the middle of his living room with her hands on her hips trying hard to not let her feeling show but her eyes gave her away.

He tried to ignore the sense of guilt that washed over him.

The guilt of making her worry.

"What's wrong, Gibbs?"

"Kate."

Her eyes swept over the room and settled on the glass of whiskey on the kitchen table.

"You have been drinking."

It was more a statement than a question.

"Yes."

Her eyes darkened as they met his.

She looked disappointed.

"Why am I here?"

"I just want to talk."

"Talk? What is there left to say?"

"Kate, please."

"What, Gibbs? I think you made it perfectly clear."

She started to move towards the door.

She was leaving.

Walking away from him.

"You shouldn't marry him."

The words were out before he could stop them.

He had no right.

She turned towards him and their eyes met.

Her eyes burned.

"You have no right to speak to me like that."

He moved towards her.

"You don't love him."

"Stop it, Gibbs!"

"I just don't want you to make a mistake."

"Who the fuck are you to tell me that to do?!"

She moved towards him with fire burning in her eyes.

"I just want to best for you, Kate."

"Fuck you, Gibbs! You can't just say things like that to me."

"Kate…"

Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face as she spoke:

"No, you have no right. You don't know me."

"You're wrong. I do know that you don't love this man."

She stopped and looked at him.

"Who says that I don't love him?"

He didn't expect that.

Not that.

"Kate..."

"What, Gibbs? If that's the reason you brought me here..."

"It wasn't."

"Then what? Why am I here?"

Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face as they bored into him.

"I just..."

"What?!"

She wanted answers.

She demanded them.

Needed them.

But what could he say?

He didn't know how to put things into words.

Her eyes darkened in that moment.

"Never mind. I was crazy for coming here."

She turned and moved towards the door.

He should just let her go.

Let her walk out that door and out of his life.

It was better that way.

It was the right thing to do.

For both of them.

They didn't mix.

They were too different.

She was light.

He was dark.

They hurt each other.

But he couldn't deny the spark between them.

The fire.

The longing.

The way he felt when she was near.

The way she had the ability to center him.

To calm him.

Making his world a little bit brighter.

She was almost at the door now

"Please, Kate..."

She stopped with her hand on the doorknob.

She didn't turn around as she said:

"What, Gibbs? What is there left to say?"

His voice was hoarse as he spoke the words that he feared:

"Stay."

She turned towards him and their eyes met.

"Why? Why should I stay?"

He wanted for once in his life tell her the truth.

To just let go of all the fear, all the worry and just let her in.

All the way in.

It had been such a long time since he let anyone close.

Close enough to really know him.

To really see all the parts of him.

He had told himself that it was better that way.

But the real and simple truth was that he was scared.

He had experienced love and happiness.

He had held it in his hands.

He had had it all.

The pain when it all was taken away nearly killed him.

He had given up on the thought to have that a second time in his life.

He was a realist after all.

You only get one chance to get it right.

One chance.

And he had failed.

To take that step once again was a risk he wasn't willing to take.

It was too much in stake.

That small piece of his heart that still remained.

He couldn't give that piece away.

It was a matter of survival after all.

But still he couldn't let go.

He wanted more time.

He needed it.

To be able to let go.

So he moved towards her.

She didn't move away.

She just stood there looking at him with those beautiful eyes that had the power to bring him to his knees.

He knew that he was being a bastard.

He knew that this would only make things worse.

For both of them.

This would surely kill him.

But he didn't care anymore.

He was so tired of fighting.

His hands trembled a little as he touched her cheek and whispered the words:

"I need you."

With those words he gave her the one thing he could give her: the truth.

Then he bent down and brushed his lips over hers.

He had meant only to taste her once again.

To brand the feel of her lips against his in his mind.

To feel her.

But the moment his lips touched hers something inside of him let go and he fell.

With a sigh she surrendered and let him inside.

He lost himself in the taste of her as his tongue explored her mouth.

Her warm hands explored his chest and back, pulling him closer to her.

She molded her body against his and for a moment he lost himself in the sensation of her.

He broke away from her suddenly and backed away.

She stood before him in all her glory.

Her eyes burning.

Her skin seemed to glow in the dark lit room.

He had lost himself for a moment in her.

In the sensation of having her in his arms.

But he had always been a sensible man.

He knew that this was wrong.

There was too much in stake.

But most of all he knew that it would all end badly.

He could see it coming a mile away.

He hurt people.

He crushed them.

She would be the one that would bleed.

He knew it.

He felt it.

How could he do this to her knowing that it would all end badly?

She deserved so much better than him.

He should be the better man and let her go.

But he wasn't a good man.

He was weak.

He needed her.

He wanted to drown in her.

Feel her against him.

Feel peace.

Even if it wouldn't last.

Their eyes met as he said:

"Are you sure?"

For a brief moment he could see hesitation in her eyes.

But then it was gone.

Her voice was barely a whisper as she said:

"Yes."

He reached out her hand towards her and she took it.

He was standing in the doorway to his bedroom watching her sleep.

Sleep had alluded him.

She was sleeping with her head turned towards him.

Their time together was coming to an end.

Two days had passed since she entered his house.

It was time.

He knew it.

They couldn't stay like this.

It would not last.

It was all an illusion.

Not real.

Just a brief glimpse of something that he couldn't have.

A part of him, the feeble part, wished that he could shut out the world.

And get just a little while longer.

Just a day.

An hour.

Even a minute more.

But he knew he wasn't being fair.

This, the thing between them, would never last.

He was too broken to be fixed.

She deserved so much better.

She deserved all the things life could give.

Someone that could give his whole heart without question, without worry.

But most of all someone whole.

Someone that wasn't afraid.

Someone that was strong enough to stand beside her.

To hold on to her and never let go.

He wasn't that man.

He would never be that man.

So he had to let her go.

She stirred and opened her eyes.

She smiled at him and whispered:

"What are doing? Come back to bed."

He hesitated for a moment.

She reached out for him.

He closed the gap between them.

He let himself drown in the sensation of holding her in his arms one last time.

He laid there listening to her breathing ebb and flow and he spoke the words that he feared the most into the night:

"You have to go back."

Her voice was barely a whisper as she said:

"I know."

She turned in his arms and looked up at him.

He wanted to remember her this way.

In his arms.

"To set things right."

She just smiled then.

That smile that would be forever branded into his memory.

Then she settled against him and said:

"Tomorrow. Let's talk about it tomorrow."

Then she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

He laid there holding her as she slept praying for the strength to let her go.


	12. And all that could have been

Chapter 12

 **"And all that could have been"**

 _'Cause I wished you the best of_  
 _All this world could give_  
 _And I told you when you left me_  
 _There's nothing to forgive_  
 _But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was_  
 _Heartbreak and misery_  
 _It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_  
 _You're happy without me"_

* * *

The letter had arrived two weeks after she walked out of his house.

She had requested a transfer.

All he had to do was to sign the paper and approve her transfer.

And let her go.

He carried the letter with him for days.

He took it out, looked at it and cursed himself for being weak.

For not being able to put pen to paper.

It felt so final.

But the truth was that it had been over the moment she walked out of his house.

When he hadn't given her the thing she needed the most.

Those three words that meant so much.

But he had known that if he had told her the truth that day she would have stayed with him and she would eventually regret her decision.

She would have given up a bright future.

A perfect life to stay by his side.

He knew that he would have eventually hurt her.

He would chip away at the light inside of her until the day she would eventually hate herself for loving him.

He knew that he was that kind of person that brought pain and darkness to the people around him.

She deserved better.

So much more. 

The office was dark except the light from his computer monitor.

He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and looked through the rapport one final time.

He should go home and try to get some sleep.

But he didn't want to.

All he could see when he closed his eyes was her.

She haunted him.

Seeping into every part of him.

Invading all his senses when he tried to sleep.

"Gibbs."

He looked up, startled by her voice.

At first he thought he was imagining her.

But she was standing not far from his desk.

He hadn't heard her enter the office.

Her face was hidden in the darkness of the office.

He rose.

"Kate. What are you doing here?"

She took a step closer to him and the light from the windows lit up her face.

Their eyes met.

He drank in the sight of her.

Etching the sight of her into his memory.

She was dressed in a dark dress and her hair and makeup was flawless.

"The letter."

He should have known.

He felt ashamed.

He hadn't signed it.

"Oh. Yeah…I…"

His words failed him.

"I need you to sign it."

"I know."

He walked around his desk and moved towards her.

She took a step back then and he stopped.

She avoided his eyes.

"All you have to do is sign at the bottom."

He felt disgusted with himself then.

For causing this.

For letting things between them turn out this way.

If he had only been stronger.

But he hadn't.

He had caused her pain.

"How are you, Kate? We have missed you around the office."

He sounded so pathetic.

She looked up and her eyes met his.

"Just sign the paper, okay?"

"You don't have to do this."

Her eyes flickered then and burned as she said:

"Don't. Just don't. I didn't come here for that."

"Kate."

"No, Gibbs. Just sign so I can get out of here."

He should let her go.

He had made up his mind about the two of them the moment he rejected her.

He had no right.

"You can stay. You don't have to go. You're a great asset to the team."

" A great asset to the team."

His words sounded so pathetic.

So shallow.

But that was all he could say.

"Yes. I think you have great potential."

"A great asset, great potential. Jesus, Gibbs."

He moved towards her then.

She didn't move away.

She just looked at him with those eyes that haunted his dreams.

"Just stay, Kate. The team needs you."

"The team?"

She stood there looking at him, searching his eyes for that thing she need the most.

But he couldn't give her that.

They both of them knew it.

They had been down that road before.

"Yes. The team."

"Just sign the paper, Gibbs, please."

He stood there looking at the woman that had entered his life and brought with her a light in the darkness.

Who had picked up the pieces of him and put them back together.

And now she was walking away from him.

And he had to let her.

He had lost himself a long time ago

He had lost himself when he buried his wife and daughter.

He had died that day.

What was left of him now was just a shell of a man.

A weak, broken man.

She needed someone better.

Who could love her the way she deserved to be loved.

But still he stood there with every molecule in his body wanting to touch her.

To bury himself inside of her.

Their eyes met.

He saw sorrow in her eyes then.

For the things that might have been.

For the love she had felt.

Her voice was hoarse as she spoke:

"Please…"

He turned towards his desk, picked up a pen and signed the paper that would release her.

Their hands brushed as he gave her the letter.

She took a step back and said:

"Thank you."

She started to turn away from him and he reacted instinctively by reaching out and touching her.

She stopped with her back towards him.

His hand was still resting on her arm.

"Kate…"

"Please, don't touch me."

He removed his hand.

"I just wanted to say…"

He sounded so pathetic.

He had no idea what he wanted to say to her.

All he knew was that every part of him wanted her by his side.

The time he had spent apart from her had taken its toll on him.

He felt less then himself.

Weaker somehow.

"I didn't come here for that."

Her voice was harsh.

"Can we just talk? Just for a minute. Just let me…"

She turned towards him then.

Her eyes met his.

He searched her eyes for that thing he needed now.

A sign that it wasn't too late.

Her eyes were two dark pools as she looked at him and said:

"Why? You made it perfectly clear. There's nothing more to say."

"Kate."

"No, Gibbs. Matthew is waiting."

Then she walked away from him.

He let her go. 

It felt like something had been ripped away from his body when she left his world.

He carried the pain willingly.

He even acknowledged the fact that he missed her.

But he told himself that it had all turned out right in the end.

He knew his place.

He liked being alone.

He wished her all the best.

She would be happy with Matthew.

And he would continue to walk through life alone.

Such lies.

But it was the lies he clung to.

That helped him survive every day.

That helped him maintain the status quo.

That kept the wall around his heart intact. 

The invitation arrived one rainy morning three weeks later.

It sat on his desk, mocking him when he arrived to work.

The invitation to her wedding.

He had known that it would eventually come to this.

But as he sat there staring at the damn thing he felt a pain envelope his heart and squeezing hard.

It surprised him.

He had thought that it was over.

He had worked so hard at burying that part of him that still felt something for her.

He told himself that he couldn't remember what it felt to be touched by her.

To hold her in his arms.

To feel her against him.

To have her in his life.

He told himself that he had erased all of those things.

She was just another face of the people that had come and gone.

She didn't matter.

But as he sat there holding the invitation to her wedding all the things he had tried to bury came rushing back.

It was a pain like no other.

It weakened him. 

The two weeks leading up to the day of her wedding became a battle for him to find his way back to what he once was.

He tried his best to steady himself.

To find his way back to normal.

Then the night before her wedding came.

Sleep evaded him that night.

Her ghost seemed to be everywhere.

She had invaded him, creeping into every part of him.

Weighing him down.

He imagined that he still could detect her scent on the sheets.

He stripped the bed of its sheets and refused to sleep there again.

His skin seemed to burn, remembering the feel of her against him.

So he did what he had to do to driver her out.

He drank.

He woke the next day with her name on his lips.

Her wedding was just a couple of hours away.

He wouldn't be going.

He knew it.

She knew it.

The invitation had just been a formal thing.

He had been her boss after all.

But still he found himself showering, shaving and dressing in a dark suite.

He told himself when he got into his car that he wasn't going there to stop her.

He just wanted to see her.

One last time.

It had rained during the night and the pavement was wet.

Afterwards there would be many explanations given to the question why it happened.

But no one would know the whole truth.

All they knew was that there was a deer and that the impact had caused him to be thrown from the car.

The rest didn't matter.

It happened fast.

So fast that he wouldn't have any time to react.

It was just a glimpse in the corner of his eye and then it was in front of his car.

There would be no way to stop it from happening.

Afterwards there was only silence.

He didn't feel anything as he lay there staring up at the blue sky above him.

Not the cold, hard ground beneath him.

No pain.

She came to him then.

The image of her face was before him.

He wanted to tell her so much.

He wanted to tell her those three words she need to hear.

Those words he had carried with him for so long now.

Fear had made him hold them back and bury them deep inside.

He had been wrong.

He knew that now.

He had been a coward.

He couldn't live his life without her.

He didn't want to.

But it was all too late for Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

There would be no more time.

The sun graced the world with its presence and warmed his skin as he lay there while his blood stained the ground beneath him.

He wasn't scared.

Not anymore.

He knew the truth.

That he loved her.

And she had loved him.

She was with him.

The memories of the two of them together flooded his senses.

The way her lips felt against his.

The feeling of holding her in his arms.

The way she smiled.

He wasn't afraid as the darkness beckoned him to surrender.

She was there beside him.

Soothing him.

Holding his hand as he was lowered into the dark.

The last thing he saw before he surrendered was her face smiling down upon him.

And for the first time in a long time he felt peace.

* * *

END.


End file.
